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Death Would Be Better

I’ve always felt there was nothing worse than a parent having to bury their child. I don’t think that anymore. What I’m about to write might sound morbid. If you read to the end, you might understand why it’s not.

Frankly, I’d rather bury my child than leave her in «the home for invalids» where she currently resides. Let that soak in for a moment…the home for invalids.

You see, my daughter is 5 1/2 years old. She knows me as her Momma. She loves me and I love her. But she doesn’t know the love I have for her as her mother. She doesn’t know unconditional love. In fact, she was told by her caregivers more than once that I wouldn’t bring her home if she acted certain ways. She believed that.

And now, after promising her I would be back for her in a month and I would bring her to the home I showed her in pictures to meet her brother and be a member of our family, I might not be able to. She might be left to believe that I didn’t come get her because she spoke in a disrespectful tone.
I might have to leave her in a Russian orphanage where she will never know the love of a family because of a «tit-for-tat» law that is going to President Putin’s desk today.

I sat in a court hearing where I listened to the letter her mother wrote…»I refuse to care for my daughter» it said. «I refuse to take her home.» Twice more, «I refuse.»

Her only known relative said the same. And the letters from the local agency again rang out again with the word «refuse» in reference to Russian families interested in adoption. Documents from the baby house and the «home of invalids» both confirmed no one had ever visited her or called to check on her welfare. No one…except for us.

«Why do you want to adopt a child with such massive needs,» the judge asked numerous times. «Do you understand her profound disabilities?» «Don’t you know that your life will not be easy? You will not be able to come home and relax!» «I know you say you understand, but I must ask again, are you sure you understand and are willing to care for her?»
Yes judge, we understand. Yes, we want her. Yes, we know it will not be easy. Yes, we still want her.

We understand that if we don’t adopt her, with her needs, she will not be adopted into a Russian family and at her age, the chances of another American family choosing her dwindle daily. We know that when you read the list of disabilities, it sounds daunting, but she is a very capable child and has great potential to be a productive citizen if give the chance of a family and the care she can receive in America. Besides all of that, we love her and she is already our daughter in our hearts. I wear a necklace and a bracelet everyday with charms representing our son, and her, our daughter.

And so, on Christmas Eve, the judge granted our adoption petition. Her birth record would be changed to show me as her mother, my husband as her father, and her name Polina Joy Skaggs.

But we couldn’t bring her home yet. There is a 30 day waiting period for all parties involved to change their mind…for that biological family that has never visited or called to check on her to protest. I have all confidence that’s not going to happen. We will return to Russia on Jan. 28th and pick her up on the 29th. She will be an orphan no more, and never again referred to as an invalid.

Or will she?

If Putin signs this law, it is unclear if they will allow our (and others’) already approved adoption(s) to go through.

We might have to leave her, with no explanation as to why we didn’t come back for her — not that an explanation would matter.

And while the thought of never holding my daughter again brings me pain, the agony I feel is in what that means for her.

There’s the simple basic things — she’s never had a bath beyond a sponge and shower head.

There’s the things you wish you could give her like taking her to the beach and to Disneyland.

There’s the medical care she will never get to reach her full potential.

And then there’s the daunting future. No love of a family. Even worse, wondering why her Momma and Papa never came back for her.

Worse than that, it’s an extremely slim chance she would ever come to know the love of Jesus. She will never know that she is not «in-valid,» but that she is the creation of God himself, made in his image!

There would be no one to care for her beyond her childhood years. The Russian government graciously provides a room in a flat for orphans when they age out of the orphanage. But with the corruption in the country, most do not ever get that room. They live on the streets.

Think for a moment of the harsh Moscow winter. My prayer beyond food would be that she could find 56 rubles (just under $2) a day to ride the Metro where she’s protected from the elements. But even if she had the money, she couldn’t get into the subway. There is no handicapped entrance. Just long stairways that require two people to take a stroller in & out. And so, as you might imagine, even someone without a disability can’t survive long in that environment.

So you see, it’s not so morbid after all. Death, instead of all of that suffering, would really be grace.

It would be grace for me not to wonder forever who is caring for her, what she is feeling, if she is suffering.

More importantly, it would be grace for her. She would enter into the kingdom of Heaven as a child to learn the love of her Heavenly Father and sing & dance with the angels in streets of gold — after all, she loves music.

I have no control. I’m on the other side of the world and I can’t hold and comfort my daughter as I wait to hear if we will forever be separated. I have no choice but to surrender all to Jesus. All I can do is pray — not just for her, but for all of the orphans — and hopefully bring awareness of the problem to the world. I do not , can not & will not ever understand the evils of this world. I can only pray and encourage Christians as the hands and feet of Jesus to be involved in the world’s orphan crisis in some way — foster care, adoption, sponsorship, financial and/or prayer support of those doing these things. Let your heart be broken for what breaks His. Visit http://www.klove.com/music/artists/matthew-west/songs/my-own-little-world-lyrics.aspx and really think about those lyrics.

In the meantime, I will pray, come Lord Jesus, come!

46 комментариев to “Death Would Be Better”

  1. Первым буду!

    masterHanSolo Reply:

    школотои будешь

  2. Паркир! Хули ты сопли тут распускаешь. Порядка полсотни детей-сирот уже было привыкли что у них появились мамы и папы, но быкующий Путичка со своей шоблой решиле грозить отселе шведу гнать очередную пургу на америку -не пропадать же доларовым счетам на VISA карточках!

    Ты уж будь последователен хотя бы в своих чуйствах к гд. стерху!

  3. Оппозиция намерена провести 13 января «Марш против подлецов»

    По плану организаторов, акция пройдет в формате массового шествия и завершится у здания Госдумы. В числе требований шествия заявлены отмена, по мнению Удальцова, «антидетского закона» и роспуск Госдумы.

    В заявке указывается, что предполагаемое число участников составит 20 тысяч человек, митинга не будет. Шествие планируется начать 13 января в 14:00 (сбор участников с 13:00) от Белорусского вокзала по Тверской улице и завершить на Охотном ряду. Как отметил Удальцов, запасной маршрут — от Калужской площади до здания Госдумы. Ответ мэрия даст уже после праздников, предположил он.

  4. amorfis:

    Оживлённо тут у вас, аж пиздец! Прямо как на Марше пиздильонов.

    Nightman Reply:

    @amorfis, Тебе,казах,какое дело?

    scrollmaster Reply:

    @amorfis, лучше меньше да лучше.

  5. serge_one:

    Из вчерашнего КВН: конец света наступил после того, как Земля приняла участие в несанкционированном параде планет

  6. Лузер:

    да уж, за час 7 камментов. У многих хуёво с английским?

    amorfis Reply:

    @Лузер, У многих хуёво с мозгами, типа подружек — кузи и маши. Наши Наташи… бгг.

    Nightman Reply:

    @Лузер, Да тут идиотъы в основном…

    amorfis Reply:

    @Лузер, и две политические проститутки мУДАК и пИДАР

    tenj2 Reply:

    @amorfis, дваЧуюЪ. :))

    xe3 Reply:

    @Лузер, Да чо тут. Очередной визг, что смерть лучше, чем жизнь в России… Как же они заебали! У Паркера совсем крыша съехала на этих детях…

  7. LeonidDecember 27, 2012 8:36 PM

    Dear Kendra,
    I deeply empathize with what you’re feeling now.
    I am a Russian citizen, living in St.Petersburg. I’m not a government official, I never voted for Putin and the party I voted for is not represented in the Duma, but still I feel the guilt and the shame for the disgrace falls on me too, on everyone of us here, and neither the nazist Government of my country, nor shameless members of the Russian parliament, nor my heartless compatriots, will apologize to you, I wish to apologize for myself and for them.
    I very much hope that the court’s decision in your favor won’t be reversed and your child will be lucky to get on the last train. I very much hope so and sincerely wish it. But if not, if she is to stay in the orphanage for some time — please, contact me at merzonl@gmail.com
    Which city is your child in? May be in St.Petersburg?
    If not — never mind, I will try to contact — via social networks, via my blog, may be I will think of something else — anyway, I will try to contact people in that city and make them aware of your child’s situation. May be a foster care can be organized for her, or may be at least some good people can often come to see her, may be to take her out for weekends.
    We’ll see what can be done. I ran into your letter just an hour agfo, so I don’t have a specific plan yet, but somehow this situation touches me deeply and I want to be involved and to help if I can.

    Take care.

    Продолжая пост Паркера…

  8. I cried ready this very poignant post. My two youngest boys came to us through Russian adoption. They are my joy, my heart, my life. S is no 10 and was adopted at 20 months. It took 9 months from the first visit til our court date. At the time I didn’t think ANYTHING could be worse. Less than a year later we returned to Russia, to the same baby home, to adopt H. He was just 8 months old, and the biological baby brother of S. As you understand, we spent a week with him, holding, playing with him, loving him, then returned home. As hard as that was, we had no idea that it would be FOUR years until we could finally bring him home. Four years of pain, uncertainty, and life in an overcrowded baby home. We missed him so much and made frequent trips to be with him. We went to court four times, filed TWO Russian Supreme court hearings and finally, on our fifth attempt, were successful. It has been almost four years since that happy day and my boys are so very different children. They are best friends and each other’s strongest allies.

    I FEEL YOUR PAIN! I know that it was through God’s grace alone that we were able to bring him home tot he United States. With him NOTHING is impossible and I will continue to pray for you and all the families caught up in this red tape. Mostly I pray for the children…innocent children!

  9. Karon and JohnDecember 27, 2012 4:48 PM

    My thoughts are with you. We were days away from adopting our second child from Kazakhstan almost three years ago when they shut down their program. The pain is unbarable when you have seen the hollow eyes of those who are «surviving» life dispite the institutions that house them. While you struggle through this time and wait for asnwers, hopefuly possitive ones, we will be praying and advocating for your little one.

  10. amorfis:

    Наташша! Три рубля и нашша!

  11. hostas:

    Не могу читать тексты резидентов США из-за лицемерия, сочащегося из-за каждой буквы.

    Nightman Reply:

    @hostas, Не уверен шта ты ваапще умеешь чейтать…

    hostas Reply:

    @Nightman, хорош этих соплей. Не убеждает ни хуя, лишь подтверждает, что всё сделано правильно.
    Ещё раз, пишите в ООН, анону.

    Nightman Reply:

    @hostas, Сопли у Паркира если чё. Это он все розовые очки не сымет…

  12. AnonymousDecember 27, 2012 7:01 PM

    Hello. I’m from Russia and you story was the last drop of grief and pain that torn my heart apart. The madness of this situation is ubelieveble and I still can’t believe that its not a bad stuid joke.
    With sll my hope and trust I wish to unite with your girl, take her forever from this nazi sadist regime, that is called democratiс Russia.
    I beg you — do not give up. Please. There internetional courts, UNICEF, organizations, mass media. You should fight for her. Please..

  13. American Maids IncDecember 28, 2012 9:24 PM

    Dont be a hating coward and speak from your real name. Obviously you are ashamed of your country. Your idiotic government. And mostly you are embarrased of your sorry ass self. For being so evil and jelous of people who are kind. Otherwise you would not be hiding your dumb comments behind anonymous. Calm down those people have big hearts. They will be kind to you and sorry for you too. . Kenda. We rusdian people are outraged and devasted by that heartless law. Many people were dusturbed by what this illegal government in russia did to our children. Many people in Russia will be willing to do everything possible to get those 46 out to their american families. This is the least we can do fir them. Fight with your heart. Dont give up. Stay strong. And thank you for sharing your feelings with the rest of the world! I can feel how you feel. Don’t get into despair yet. Dont bury your daughter alive. She is alive. And there is always more than one way to resolve things

  14. hostas:

    Своим в гавернмент пусть пишет, сука. Хуле Путину то предъявлять.

  15. Nightman Reply:

    @scrollmaster, Блядина-запутинец!

  16. Natalia A. TourdyevaDecember 28, 2012 6:28 AM

    Dear Kendra, this law and all those people who invented it are pure concentrated evil. There are a lot of people in Russia, counting me, who are ashamed and furious by this parliament and this president. Please do not give up. I live in Moscow — if you need anything here, please do not hesitate to contact me.
    My best regards,
    Natalia Tourdyeva

  17. Dear Kendra.
    All I want to say is that you cannot give up now. And you have all the chance for happy end!
    The judge granted you adoption petition.
    This terrible law will step into force 01.01.2013 and must not touch the judge decisions already taken. Text of the law is not presented for review, but this is the general rule.
    In case of any misunderstanding from Russian orphanage you need to contact a Russian lawyer.
    I want to be involved and to help if I can.
    Be strong, don’t give up!
    Take care.

  18. Nicholas VanariaDecember 28, 2012 12:25 PM

    Having adopted from Russia myself, I have walked that mile in your shoes. Our process took over 22 months due to the US and Russian governments bickering back and forth. It was only by the grace of God that we managed to get Methun and Zita home with us. I will be praying for you and Polina harder than you can imagine.

  19. Dear Kendra and Jason,

    I really hope everything will turn out to be alright and at least yours heartbreaking story will end well. (I’ve read there are dozens of children in the middle of the adoption process. This law is so cruel to these children — and their new parents — that I can’t even find the words to describe my resentment of our lawmakers.)

    During the discussion of this outrageous law deputies said that it should only apply to adoptions that weren’t completed in the court on January, 1st, so it’s a good thing you’ve got a court approval for your adoption. (Unfortunately, the text of the law itself is somewhat ambiguous at that point and it’s not clear how it will be applied.) Please, please don’t despair; it looks like you’re going to make it.

    Our hearts are with Polina and you. God bless you.


  20. I am so sorry to read your story on the ABC News website and my heart goes out to you and your family. I lost a Russian baby back in 2004-05 when a government social worker mistakenly included the child I had accepted and was preparing to travel to meet in a file she or he showed a Russian family after the date when I was supposed to be able to breathe that she was safely on the path to being my daughter. I had no recourse, and shortly thereafter, Russian adoptions came to a near halt due to some of the tragic stories in the news of U.S. adoptions gone bad. I was heartbroken because I’d had a previous country shut down also. I know this will be little consultation for you now, but in my devastation at the time, I almost gave up adoption. In the end, I started a third process in Ethiopia, and ended up having a smooth process that led me to bringing home my 6 month-old, healthy, beautiful daughter who has attached without incident and is an amazing soul. I believe now that she is the child I was meant to have, and all the pain and loss was part of waiting for her to be born and for me to find her. At the same time, I still think of Julia and wonder if she has a happy life in Russia. It must be terrible to know Polina is not is a very nice place — that is the painful part of all of this too. Knowing so many children will languish in loveless and inadequate orphanages. I am, again, so sorry.

    As an aside, be careful using her real name or yours in this blog. Sometimes, government officials in other countries look for blogs on adoption from their countries and I was always counseled not to post real names of photos in a blog for this reason.


  21. HildaDecember 28, 2012 3:11 PM

    I am saddened and infuriated that the governments in these country’s use the children as pawns. They are wanted by no one in Russia or some other country and yet they will not allow and adoption to go through so that a child can have a family and love and medical care. My own daughter is adopted form the US and could never imagine life without her.
    These government officials need to get off their high horses and not take out their person issues or anger at the US or some other country and do what is right, just, and best for the children. All children deserve to grow up in a loving home. As to the other issues. The government/orphanages need to be up front about the medical needs/issues of some of these children so that if there are some severe issues they are placed with the correct family that can handle difficult children.
    I wish you and your family the best and that someone in Russia comes to their senses and lets this little girl have a forever family.

  22. Ну вот нахуя не по-русски-то?
    Йобань какая-то…
    Русский чятег, английские буквы.

    Nightman Reply:

    @Xpen7, Это чатег для идиотъов — ты чё-то перепутал…

    Xpen7 Reply:

    @Nightman, сам ты перепутал, когда сюда свою первую ссаную простыню вывесил.

  23. Unfortunately US Congress and US administration don’t negotiate with terrorists and what Putin is doing is an act of terrorism.He holds Polina as a hostage.
    Kendra, there are couple of posts from Russian people which can give you a thought that Russians are stupid and heartless people. And they are not. They were so long tortured , robed , raped, misled and deceived that they are not able to react as normal people. Forgive them they don’t know what they are doing

  24. Whole Russia hate heartless mr.Poo and his corrupted and terroristic antihuman gang (aka russian parliament). Hope both will gone soon and You’ll be able to share all Your love with Your beautiful baby! Keep love in heart, and don’t give up — if all the good people from USA and Russia will join together — evil will be back to hell…

    With Love and Respect to Your Christian Heart!

  25. Dear Kendra,

    Despite everything, every person in Russia (apart from those in our corrupted and ridiculous government) support you and all other families and kids who will lose the opportunity to unite & live happily together wherever they want & how they want. Nobody has the right to use children as a weapon in political wars. Children are out of the politics/arguments/self-assertion etc

    Russia is with you. We are deeply ashamed.

    Katia, 29, Moscow

  26. На многих раскладках лучше печатать и удобнее ,
    нам что на своей не трогать Клаву?
    (с) Путин

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